Wendi Hill
Professor Shari McGriff
201310 – Composition II, SEC. X3
November 5, 2012
A Good Divorce can be a Better Parenting Strategy than a Bad Marriage
A traditional marriage with two functional parents is an optimal platform for raising well-adjusted children, unfortunately, more than half of the first marriages in the United States end in divorce, but not before producing nearly two children each. Of the couples who repudiate divorce, how many maintain a “peaceful” relationship? Empirical evidence suggests that children are harmed less by the elements of a divorce than the discord between dysfunctional parents, regardless of marital status. This paper will provide proof that a good divorce can be a better parenting strategy than a bad marriage by considering the history of marriage, the pros and cons of maintaining a bad marriage, and strategies for raising healthy children through a divorce.
This paper is separated into three primary sections to effectively demonstrate the benefits of ending an irreconcilably contentious marriage. This paper will remain focused on the necessity of making an effort to provide a collectively positive environment in which to raise healthy children. The first section provides historical context by tracing the evolution of marriage throughout U.S. history. The second section describes the influence marital challenges have on children, before, during, and after a divorce. The pros and cons of maintaining a “bad” marriage where children are influenced by the resulting negative behavior are considered. In the third section, a path to raising healthy children in a modern family environment is defined. Relevant perspectives, studies, and data are provided to validate my findings.
Marriage and Divorce: The Way we Were
According to Lindsay Sole in her paper “History of Marriage”, the purpose, concept, and process of marriage have changed considerably over the past 200 years in the U.S.. Marriages lasted an average of only 12 years during colonial times. Up to 50% of women died giving birth or due to a childhood disease. Affluent marriages were arrangements based on business decisions in the best financial and social interests of the family. Poor marriages were based on need. Men, women, and children worked hard and died young. Divorce restrictions varied based on the colony, and whether they were Northern or Southern, but regardless of location, it was rare. Divorce became more prevalent after the Civil War, largely due to the liberal concepts resulting from the war, and the increased mobility of the population. (Lindsay Sole)
Although the general behavior continued to become more liberal, by the 20th century, marriage was taking a radical turn. Poverty during the turn of the century was the catalyst to keeping marriages together, and that certainly held true through World War II and the depression years. Women gave up their jobs to returning soldiers in the 1950s. The Nuclear Family was born. Mom, dad, son, daughter, and a white picket fence were the picture of the wholesome outcome of WWI. The Feminist movement in the 1960’s and ’70’s began the transition to empowered women being comfortable and accepted in a single parent. Everyone started waiting a little longer to get married. The chart below demonstrates that the age at the time of a first marriage has increased consistently since 1950. The average age of a bride or groom has increased by 19% since that time.
Median age at first marriage:
[MISSING GRAPH INCLUSION]
(Lindsay Sole).
The number of divorces in the U. S. increased from 55,751 in 1900 to 840,000 in 2009, and the divorce rate increased from 0.7% to 3.5% respectively (Lindsay Sole). While the U.S. population has nearly quadrupled since the beginning of the 20th century, the number of divorces has risen nearly 1400%! These are troubling statistics. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third U. S. marriages end in divorce. Progress has not been good for the institution of marriage. Married couples face terrible odds, and sadly it does not appear that we get better at maintaining a relationship as we increase the number of times we enter into a marriage. One encouraging statistic is that couples who wait until they are between 35 and 39 years old are more likely to succeed. The chart below demonstrates that the potential for avoiding a divorce increases radically where couple wait until their 30’s to “tie the know”. Although slight, childless couples have a higher divorce rate than couples with children. Sociologists have concluded “the absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness” and “at least 66% of all divorced couples are childless ("DivorceRate"). One could conclude from this statistic that married couples are either happier because children are in their lives, or a large number of marriage couples stay together only for the sake of their children.
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America
[MISSING GRAPH INCLUSION]
("DivorceRate")
Marital Challenges: Influences on Children, Before, During, and After Divorce
Marriage is integral to our culture. We are groomed both emotionally and socially through marriage to reach fully functioning adulthood. The plan, per the “marital agreement”, is to stay married. Maintaining a functional family unit is optimal for all family members. But this ideal situation is not common. What happens when one or both parents become unhappy? How do couples maintain a reasonable level of personal happiness after all the clichés like “rough patch”, “in therapy”, and “working things out” are used-up? Words like struggling, stifling, unhealthy, and unbearable take their place. Unhappiness, whether spoken or concealed, cannot facilitate a positive environment for raising children. The goal should be to work at solutions to ensure the marriage and resulting family unit survives. When it does not survive, a change in the marital paradigm becomes necessary.
FUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
How is a functional marriage defined? This is a debatable question. Some feel a marriage is successful when both parents stay together for the sake of the children. This is a common theory, supported by data reflecting a lower number of divorces in families with children. Some argue that a good marriage has minimal conflict and resolutions are reached amicably. Later in this paper you will be presented with data to show that a low-conflict environment is crucial to the healthy growth of a child. There is certainly merit to this thinking strategy. In their article in the Baltimore Sun titled "Strengthen marriage, but maintain safety net”, Ron Haskins and Sara McClanahan suggest that the definition of a successful marriage is when a union is maintained to ensure economic and social security (McClanahan, Donahue, and Haskins ). This concept of prosperity and popularity is at the root of the American dream.
“According to a 2007 Pew Research report, of the 2,020 people surveyed, 69% agree with the statement that “a child needs a home with both a father and mother to grow up happily ” (“Divorce 360”). Generally, when two parents can maintain a marriage in a low-conflict, positive environment, the ancillary reasons are mute, and the children are fortunate. Becoming a parent is a responsibility beyond any other; therefor parenting is the most important job any of us will ever have. As with any important, demanding and desirable job, a dedication to continuous learning, development, and improvement are essential to the sustainable success of a marriage and to the original family unit. There may be entire family units that are always happy, both collectively and individually, but I was unable to find data to support this theory. A successful marriage and functional family unit takes a great deal of effort, commitment, and strength, from both parents. It is worth it if the fruits of the labor are happy, well-adjusted children.
For perspective, I interviewed my niece Penny (Ritchey). She and her husband are well-studied and deeply rooted in their Christian beliefs. Penny has a very clear and unwavering perspective on marriage. She puts God first, and above all, and her husband comes next, before the children. I found this premise to be incomprehensible. Penny explained that God provides for the welfare of her family if she lives for Him. Serving her husband nourishes and strengthens their family unit, which is the greatest gift she can offer her children. This works because Penny is willing to make extraordinary sacrifices to maintain her family. Penny does not feel she makes sacrifices. She simply puts God first and allows Him to guide her through challenges.
DISFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
Technically, a child becomes an adult at 18 years of age, but issues such as college and maturity level can prolong the period that the parent remains primarily responsible for their offspring. For many valid reasons, not everyone is successful at their job for 18 to 24 years. The “gold watch” paradigm has all but vanished. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics in their Employee Tenure Summary, the “median number of years that wage and salary workers had been with their current employer was 4.6 in January 2012”. If maintaining a positive marriage is a requirement of raising healthy children, based on the preceding statistic, the odds are not in our favor.
A study performed at Pennsylvania State University resulted in the following:
The authors stated that they “national panel data collected between 1980 and 1997 to classify 208 people’s open ended responses to a question on why their marriages ended in divorce. Infidelity was the most commonly reported cause, followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart. “(Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti)
The actual reasons for these divorces varied based on “gender, social class, and life course variables” (Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti), but the sequence of the results did not change. Regardless of one’s sex or station in life, infidelity, substance abuse, and incompatibility can create insurmountable barriers between married people. I believe that “Growing apart” can be avoided if addressed early in the relationship, but clearly many married couples fail to do this, as it is the 4th most common reason for divorce.
During an interview, I asked my niece Penny for her perspective on these findings (Ritchey). Her faith has helped her through difficult circumstances, but her marriage has never been in jeopardy. I asked how she thinks she would react if confronted with one of the most common reasons for divorce as referenced above: Infidelity, incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart. She said that she would leave it in God’s hands, do anything necessary to support and heal her husband, and keep her family together. Her rationalization is summed-up in address given at the BYU Conference on Family Life in 2008 as below:
“Christ’s Apostle Paul taught the Corinthians (11:11, 12:20):
“Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord….But now are they many members, yet but one body.” In other words, Christ provides us with an understanding of marriage that is inherently relational. Whereas individualism views marriage as a means to our own individual ends, relationality views the individual as the means and the marital relationship as the end. As we will see, this reversal changes everything. All of a sudden, our highest priority is not our personal happiness or our individual needs; our highest priority is the protection and enhancement of the marital relationship.” (Slife, Ostenson, and Palmer)
A truly selfless person may be able to persevere and/or forgive the most common reasons for divorce, but most people are not selfless. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness are promised in the Declaration of Independence. Americans are conditioned to seek personal satisfaction. If selflessness is rare, the odds are against the likelihood of a marriage between 2 selfless people. While we can control our own decisions, we cannot control those of our spouse. We often cannot effectively control our own emotions. Parents lose sight of their objectivity and good judgment when they become unhappy in a marriage, by choice or by force. According to Bruce McCracken his article titled “Unhappy Marriage=Unhappy Kid.”, when a marriage becomes contentious, children suffer. Over time in an unhappy environment, they develop habitual behaviors like indifference, anger, cynicism, sarcasm, cruelty, and abuse. Staying together for the sake of the affected children is not a reasonable solution when the yield is harm. (McCracken,Bruce).
DIVORCE
Divorce is hurtful and difficult under the best circumstances. It is the legal dissolution of a promise to love and care for someone forever. It must be the very last resort, but should happen before causing long-term damage to the impacted children. The emotional, social, and financial repercussion of divorce can be overwhelming. As with a bad marriage, a bad divorce will harm all involved.
The long-term effects of divorce on children have not yet been proven, but the short-term effects are acting out and withdrawal behaviors. According to an article in the Journal of Family Issues titled “People’s Reasons for Divorcing: Gender, Social Class, the Life Course, and Adjustment”, “Upon reaching adulthood, the effects appear to be mediated by demographic and relational changes, such as diminished family wealth and happiness, resulting directly from divorce (Amato and Previti).”
Chris Davis explains in his article titled “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Parental Discord on the Adult-Child’s Socioeconomic Attainment” from The Park Place Economist, the fact that children of divorce are less likely to finish high school or attend college, are more likely to be unemployed, have a lower socioeconomic status, experience increased marital discord and exhibit less effective parenting behaviors, all appear to mediate the extra space direct effects of divorce in the long-run (Kiernan, 1997; Amato, 2000). It has been shown that when these intermediate variables are included in divorce models, divorce no longer retains its significance of direct effect.” (Davis, Chris (2008). These findings indicate that divorce may not be the cause of these outcomes, rather the effect. The causes include demographic and relational changes. If the marriages in this case had remained intact, these issues would have remained unresolved and harmful.
Raising Healthy Children in a Modern Family Environment
One benefit of divorce is that it ends. There will almost certainly be a period of emotional distress and anger for one or both parents. The trick is to find a way to make the children the first priority. Even a spouse who may have been wronged must learn to allow the children to love and respect the other parent. In this way, the other parent becomes less relegated and remains more engaged. Children will learn from the way their parents manage the divorce. They will learn improved relationship skills from positive decisions made after the divorce.
Whatever the reason for a divorce, children are the victims. It is crucial to make their best interests the primary purpose in life-changing decisions. Professional counseling for parents and children can ease the transition where the parent’s feel unable to maintain a sense of overall well-being for the children. Counseling can be a parent’s greatest ally through a divorce.
An emotionally crippled parent is a terrifying and destructive representative for a child. It is imperative for each parent to create or maintain emotional support systems when a marriage ends. Divorce usually means dividing assets, to include friends. Depending on individual social conventions, that is a challenge for most couples. Not all friends will support the parent who chooses to leave, and the ones that you love most may be lost in transition. There are few times in life when a person is more vulnerable than during a divorce. The process can be consuming and the divorcee may not be the best company. Truly good friends, who stick with you and do not contribute to negative behavior, are precious gems to be cherished and coveted. A good friend or network of friends can be the difference in a parent’s ability to negotiate a productive and comfortable divorce for the child.
Children most often emulate a parent’s behavior in adulthood, good and bad. While divorce does not provide a good lesson, continual unhappiness and malcontent may be worse learning experiences. A child is something beautiful that comes from a union. Let that be the take-away for them. Don’t bother with beating yourself up over a divorce. It is not useful. Whether you choose to leave, or have been left, forgiving yourself for the reasons is necessary. Forgiving yourself and your spouse is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your child.
According to the article The Good Divorce by Christine Carter, Ph.D. from the Greater Good web magazine from the University of California, Berkley, research suggests that divorce is less damaging where: 1) “Consistent contact with both parents is important, unless you just can’t keep conflict low.” It is unconscionable for a parent to seek to persuade a child to feel hatred or shame for a parent. Consistent contact is productive where parents can maintain civility. 2) “Money matters: Many problems kids have after divorce, particularly academic ones, stem from economic hardship. Single parents are less likely to be able to pay for music lessons, high quality childcare, tutors, a safe neighborhood with good schools—you name it.” It is critical for both parents to work together to provide for the child after a divorce, and before bringing new family members into the situation. 3) “Good” divorces minimize the number of major transitions that kids need to make, because transitions usually bring stress. Generally speaking, the fewer household moves, the better.” Minimize disruption and transition. Children are generally terrified by divorce. Rapidly creating a safe and stable environment, in the care of each parent, is a great way to ease the fear and begin the healing process. 4) “Finally, when parents take care of themselves during a divorce, kids do better. “Stress impairs the quality of a parent’s childrearing skills,”. This premise effectively explains the reason for divorcing in the first place. Happy parents, focused on the happiness and health of their children, are more likely to be successful parents.
TABOOS AND STEROTYPES
The traditional family, with a mom, a dad, and 2.5 children, is no longer the typical family model. According to a Census study released September 15, 2004, we’re down to 1.86 children per household. The number of children is not the only thing changing, where they came from and who they belong to, are additional considerations. Single parents, and unmarried, coupled parents add an entirely new set of challenges to the representative family in the U.S.. Socioeconomics heavily impact a parent’s ability to raise a healthy child, particularly in the current economic climate. Single parenthood compounds the challenge. How can we expect parents to remain committed to a child after a break-up if they were not willing to commit to a marriage in the first place?
According to Barbara Kingsolver in her Stone Soup article in The River Reader,
“some of the reasons for these family reconstructions are: the ideal of marriage as a romantic partnership rather than a pragmatic one; a shift in women’s expectations, from servility to self-respect and independence; and longevity. Add to all this, our growing sense of entitlement to happiness and safety from abuse. Most would agree these are good things. Yet their result – a culture in which serial monogamy and the consequent reshaping of families are the norm – gets diagnosed as “failing”.” (458) A failed marriage is labeled as The “harbinger of cultural ruin.” (Trimmer 454) The “broken family” is certainly no “oddity”, but if you are a member of one, “it's probably been suggested to you in a hundred ways that yours isn't exactly a real family, but an impostor family, a harbinger of cultural ruin, a slapdash substitute--something like counterfeit money.” (Trimmer 454) It’s a moral and political argument that should have ended long ago. A child should never feel they are a product of a failure, rather loved unconditionally by collective parents. A parent’s job is to ensure their children possess this sense of love and connectedness, and when this does not manifest naturally, for good or bad reasons, professional help should be enlisted.
STONE SOUP
Having 2 moms and 2 dads likely brings more brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. It is a fortunate child who has so many to love and to love them. No matter the number of loved ones, the needs of the child must come first, and all possible resources must be utilized to facilitate their happiness. A village of family, friends, school administrators/counselors, neighbors, and community resources are a recipe for successful parenting. “ Humpty-Dumpty-wise” (Trimmer 458) may be the condition in which a family lands, but the pieces can form a new “whole”, and can be shared with other families. Divorce is messy and ugly, and the participants often feel out of control. The reconstruction of a family unit, with or without a new marriage, is totally in each parent’s control. The parent has the opportunity and an obligation to rebuild a stronger and more constructive family. Make a soup to nourish a family’s soul. “Any family is a big empty pot, save for what gets thrown in. Each stew turns out different. Generosity, a resolve to turn bad luck into good, and respect for variety--these things will nourish a nation of children. Name-calling and suspicion will not.” (Trimmer 462)
References
Bray, James PhD. “Making Stepfamilies Work” American Psychological Association. 2012. 22 Sept. 2012 Carter, Christine, Ph.D..” The Good Divorce.” Greater Good Mag. 19 Mar. 2012. Web.
22 Sept. 2012."DivorceRate." DivorceRate. DivorceRate, n.d. Web. 7 Oct 2012.
<http://www.divorcerate.org/>.
Davis ’08, Chris (2008) “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Parental Discord on the Adult-
Child’s Socioeconomic Attainment,”The Park Place Economist: Vol. 16
" Employee Tenure Summary ." U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.18 Sep 2012. Web. 05 Nov
2012. <http://www.bls.gov/news.release/tenure.nr0.htm>.
Haskins, Ron and McClanahan, Sara . "Strengthen marriage, but maintain safety net." Baltimore Sun 1511 2005, n. pag. Web. 14 Oct. 2012.
Hawkins, Alan J., and Tamara A. Fackrell. "What are the possible consequences of divorce for children?."Trans. Array Should I keep trying to work it out? A Guidebook for Individuals and Couples at the Crossroads of Divorce (and Before) . Salt Lake City, Utah: Utah Commission on Marriage, 2009. 75-92. Web. 14 Oct. 2012.
Heitler, Susan, Ph.D. “Lessons from the Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Divorce.”Psychology Today.
12 Jul. 2012. Web.22 Feb. 2012.
Kingsolver,Barabra. “ Stone Soup.” The River Reader. Joseph F. Trimmer. Boston, MA:
Wadsworth, Carnegie Learning, 2011, 2008, 2005. Print.
McClanahan, Sara, Elisabeth Donahue, and Ron Haskins. Marriage and Child Wellbeing.
Volume 15, Number 2. Princeton, New Jersey: The Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs, 2005. Web. 14 Oct. 2012.
McCracken,Bruce. “ Unhappy Marriage=Unhappy Kids.” Divorce 360. Divorce 360. Web.2009.
Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti “People’s Reasons for Divorcing: Gender, Social Class, the
Life Course, and Adjustment”. Journal of Family Issues. (2003).Web. 22 Sept. 2012.
Pickhardt, Carl E..”The Impact of Divorce on Young Children and Adolescents” Psychology
Today.19 Dec. 2011. Web.22 Sept. 2012.
Ritchey, Penny. Personal Interview. 10 Oct. 2012.
Slife, Brent, Joseph Ostenson, and Nathan Palmer. "Divorce Prevention: Popular Versus
ChristianWisdom." BYU Conference on Family Life. Brigham Young University. Provo. 28 Mar 2008. Address.
Sole, Lindsay. "History of Marriage." History of Marriage. University of Florida, 2003. Web.
05 Nov. 2012. <http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/spring03/soll/history.htm>.
“Table ST-F1-2000. Average Number of Children Per Family and Per Family with
Children, by State: 2000 Census.” U.S. Bureau of the Census,2004. Web.22 Sept. 2012.
Whitehead,Barabra Dafoe. “Women and the Future of Fatherhood.” The River Reader. Joseph F.
Trimmer. Boston, MA: Wadsworth, Carnegie Learning, 2011, 2008, 2005. Print.
Wisdom." BYU Conference on Family Life. Brigham Young University. Provo. 28
Mar 2008. Address.
Professor Shari McGriff
201310 – Composition II, SEC. X3
November 5, 2012
A Good Divorce can be a Better Parenting Strategy than a Bad Marriage
A traditional marriage with two functional parents is an optimal platform for raising well-adjusted children, unfortunately, more than half of the first marriages in the United States end in divorce, but not before producing nearly two children each. Of the couples who repudiate divorce, how many maintain a “peaceful” relationship? Empirical evidence suggests that children are harmed less by the elements of a divorce than the discord between dysfunctional parents, regardless of marital status. This paper will provide proof that a good divorce can be a better parenting strategy than a bad marriage by considering the history of marriage, the pros and cons of maintaining a bad marriage, and strategies for raising healthy children through a divorce.
This paper is separated into three primary sections to effectively demonstrate the benefits of ending an irreconcilably contentious marriage. This paper will remain focused on the necessity of making an effort to provide a collectively positive environment in which to raise healthy children. The first section provides historical context by tracing the evolution of marriage throughout U.S. history. The second section describes the influence marital challenges have on children, before, during, and after a divorce. The pros and cons of maintaining a “bad” marriage where children are influenced by the resulting negative behavior are considered. In the third section, a path to raising healthy children in a modern family environment is defined. Relevant perspectives, studies, and data are provided to validate my findings.
Marriage and Divorce: The Way we Were
According to Lindsay Sole in her paper “History of Marriage”, the purpose, concept, and process of marriage have changed considerably over the past 200 years in the U.S.. Marriages lasted an average of only 12 years during colonial times. Up to 50% of women died giving birth or due to a childhood disease. Affluent marriages were arrangements based on business decisions in the best financial and social interests of the family. Poor marriages were based on need. Men, women, and children worked hard and died young. Divorce restrictions varied based on the colony, and whether they were Northern or Southern, but regardless of location, it was rare. Divorce became more prevalent after the Civil War, largely due to the liberal concepts resulting from the war, and the increased mobility of the population. (Lindsay Sole)
Although the general behavior continued to become more liberal, by the 20th century, marriage was taking a radical turn. Poverty during the turn of the century was the catalyst to keeping marriages together, and that certainly held true through World War II and the depression years. Women gave up their jobs to returning soldiers in the 1950s. The Nuclear Family was born. Mom, dad, son, daughter, and a white picket fence were the picture of the wholesome outcome of WWI. The Feminist movement in the 1960’s and ’70’s began the transition to empowered women being comfortable and accepted in a single parent. Everyone started waiting a little longer to get married. The chart below demonstrates that the age at the time of a first marriage has increased consistently since 1950. The average age of a bride or groom has increased by 19% since that time.
Median age at first marriage:
[MISSING GRAPH INCLUSION]
(Lindsay Sole).
The number of divorces in the U. S. increased from 55,751 in 1900 to 840,000 in 2009, and the divorce rate increased from 0.7% to 3.5% respectively (Lindsay Sole). While the U.S. population has nearly quadrupled since the beginning of the 20th century, the number of divorces has risen nearly 1400%! These are troubling statistics. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third U. S. marriages end in divorce. Progress has not been good for the institution of marriage. Married couples face terrible odds, and sadly it does not appear that we get better at maintaining a relationship as we increase the number of times we enter into a marriage. One encouraging statistic is that couples who wait until they are between 35 and 39 years old are more likely to succeed. The chart below demonstrates that the potential for avoiding a divorce increases radically where couple wait until their 30’s to “tie the know”. Although slight, childless couples have a higher divorce rate than couples with children. Sociologists have concluded “the absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness” and “at least 66% of all divorced couples are childless ("DivorceRate"). One could conclude from this statistic that married couples are either happier because children are in their lives, or a large number of marriage couples stay together only for the sake of their children.
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America
[MISSING GRAPH INCLUSION]
("DivorceRate")
Marital Challenges: Influences on Children, Before, During, and After Divorce
Marriage is integral to our culture. We are groomed both emotionally and socially through marriage to reach fully functioning adulthood. The plan, per the “marital agreement”, is to stay married. Maintaining a functional family unit is optimal for all family members. But this ideal situation is not common. What happens when one or both parents become unhappy? How do couples maintain a reasonable level of personal happiness after all the clichés like “rough patch”, “in therapy”, and “working things out” are used-up? Words like struggling, stifling, unhealthy, and unbearable take their place. Unhappiness, whether spoken or concealed, cannot facilitate a positive environment for raising children. The goal should be to work at solutions to ensure the marriage and resulting family unit survives. When it does not survive, a change in the marital paradigm becomes necessary.
FUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
How is a functional marriage defined? This is a debatable question. Some feel a marriage is successful when both parents stay together for the sake of the children. This is a common theory, supported by data reflecting a lower number of divorces in families with children. Some argue that a good marriage has minimal conflict and resolutions are reached amicably. Later in this paper you will be presented with data to show that a low-conflict environment is crucial to the healthy growth of a child. There is certainly merit to this thinking strategy. In their article in the Baltimore Sun titled "Strengthen marriage, but maintain safety net”, Ron Haskins and Sara McClanahan suggest that the definition of a successful marriage is when a union is maintained to ensure economic and social security (McClanahan, Donahue, and Haskins ). This concept of prosperity and popularity is at the root of the American dream.
“According to a 2007 Pew Research report, of the 2,020 people surveyed, 69% agree with the statement that “a child needs a home with both a father and mother to grow up happily ” (“Divorce 360”). Generally, when two parents can maintain a marriage in a low-conflict, positive environment, the ancillary reasons are mute, and the children are fortunate. Becoming a parent is a responsibility beyond any other; therefor parenting is the most important job any of us will ever have. As with any important, demanding and desirable job, a dedication to continuous learning, development, and improvement are essential to the sustainable success of a marriage and to the original family unit. There may be entire family units that are always happy, both collectively and individually, but I was unable to find data to support this theory. A successful marriage and functional family unit takes a great deal of effort, commitment, and strength, from both parents. It is worth it if the fruits of the labor are happy, well-adjusted children.
For perspective, I interviewed my niece Penny (Ritchey). She and her husband are well-studied and deeply rooted in their Christian beliefs. Penny has a very clear and unwavering perspective on marriage. She puts God first, and above all, and her husband comes next, before the children. I found this premise to be incomprehensible. Penny explained that God provides for the welfare of her family if she lives for Him. Serving her husband nourishes and strengthens their family unit, which is the greatest gift she can offer her children. This works because Penny is willing to make extraordinary sacrifices to maintain her family. Penny does not feel she makes sacrifices. She simply puts God first and allows Him to guide her through challenges.
DISFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
Technically, a child becomes an adult at 18 years of age, but issues such as college and maturity level can prolong the period that the parent remains primarily responsible for their offspring. For many valid reasons, not everyone is successful at their job for 18 to 24 years. The “gold watch” paradigm has all but vanished. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics in their Employee Tenure Summary, the “median number of years that wage and salary workers had been with their current employer was 4.6 in January 2012”. If maintaining a positive marriage is a requirement of raising healthy children, based on the preceding statistic, the odds are not in our favor.
A study performed at Pennsylvania State University resulted in the following:
The authors stated that they “national panel data collected between 1980 and 1997 to classify 208 people’s open ended responses to a question on why their marriages ended in divorce. Infidelity was the most commonly reported cause, followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart. “(Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti)
The actual reasons for these divorces varied based on “gender, social class, and life course variables” (Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti), but the sequence of the results did not change. Regardless of one’s sex or station in life, infidelity, substance abuse, and incompatibility can create insurmountable barriers between married people. I believe that “Growing apart” can be avoided if addressed early in the relationship, but clearly many married couples fail to do this, as it is the 4th most common reason for divorce.
During an interview, I asked my niece Penny for her perspective on these findings (Ritchey). Her faith has helped her through difficult circumstances, but her marriage has never been in jeopardy. I asked how she thinks she would react if confronted with one of the most common reasons for divorce as referenced above: Infidelity, incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart. She said that she would leave it in God’s hands, do anything necessary to support and heal her husband, and keep her family together. Her rationalization is summed-up in address given at the BYU Conference on Family Life in 2008 as below:
“Christ’s Apostle Paul taught the Corinthians (11:11, 12:20):
“Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord….But now are they many members, yet but one body.” In other words, Christ provides us with an understanding of marriage that is inherently relational. Whereas individualism views marriage as a means to our own individual ends, relationality views the individual as the means and the marital relationship as the end. As we will see, this reversal changes everything. All of a sudden, our highest priority is not our personal happiness or our individual needs; our highest priority is the protection and enhancement of the marital relationship.” (Slife, Ostenson, and Palmer)
A truly selfless person may be able to persevere and/or forgive the most common reasons for divorce, but most people are not selfless. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness are promised in the Declaration of Independence. Americans are conditioned to seek personal satisfaction. If selflessness is rare, the odds are against the likelihood of a marriage between 2 selfless people. While we can control our own decisions, we cannot control those of our spouse. We often cannot effectively control our own emotions. Parents lose sight of their objectivity and good judgment when they become unhappy in a marriage, by choice or by force. According to Bruce McCracken his article titled “Unhappy Marriage=Unhappy Kid.”, when a marriage becomes contentious, children suffer. Over time in an unhappy environment, they develop habitual behaviors like indifference, anger, cynicism, sarcasm, cruelty, and abuse. Staying together for the sake of the affected children is not a reasonable solution when the yield is harm. (McCracken,Bruce).
DIVORCE
Divorce is hurtful and difficult under the best circumstances. It is the legal dissolution of a promise to love and care for someone forever. It must be the very last resort, but should happen before causing long-term damage to the impacted children. The emotional, social, and financial repercussion of divorce can be overwhelming. As with a bad marriage, a bad divorce will harm all involved.
The long-term effects of divorce on children have not yet been proven, but the short-term effects are acting out and withdrawal behaviors. According to an article in the Journal of Family Issues titled “People’s Reasons for Divorcing: Gender, Social Class, the Life Course, and Adjustment”, “Upon reaching adulthood, the effects appear to be mediated by demographic and relational changes, such as diminished family wealth and happiness, resulting directly from divorce (Amato and Previti).”
Chris Davis explains in his article titled “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Parental Discord on the Adult-Child’s Socioeconomic Attainment” from The Park Place Economist, the fact that children of divorce are less likely to finish high school or attend college, are more likely to be unemployed, have a lower socioeconomic status, experience increased marital discord and exhibit less effective parenting behaviors, all appear to mediate the extra space direct effects of divorce in the long-run (Kiernan, 1997; Amato, 2000). It has been shown that when these intermediate variables are included in divorce models, divorce no longer retains its significance of direct effect.” (Davis, Chris (2008). These findings indicate that divorce may not be the cause of these outcomes, rather the effect. The causes include demographic and relational changes. If the marriages in this case had remained intact, these issues would have remained unresolved and harmful.
Raising Healthy Children in a Modern Family Environment
One benefit of divorce is that it ends. There will almost certainly be a period of emotional distress and anger for one or both parents. The trick is to find a way to make the children the first priority. Even a spouse who may have been wronged must learn to allow the children to love and respect the other parent. In this way, the other parent becomes less relegated and remains more engaged. Children will learn from the way their parents manage the divorce. They will learn improved relationship skills from positive decisions made after the divorce.
Whatever the reason for a divorce, children are the victims. It is crucial to make their best interests the primary purpose in life-changing decisions. Professional counseling for parents and children can ease the transition where the parent’s feel unable to maintain a sense of overall well-being for the children. Counseling can be a parent’s greatest ally through a divorce.
An emotionally crippled parent is a terrifying and destructive representative for a child. It is imperative for each parent to create or maintain emotional support systems when a marriage ends. Divorce usually means dividing assets, to include friends. Depending on individual social conventions, that is a challenge for most couples. Not all friends will support the parent who chooses to leave, and the ones that you love most may be lost in transition. There are few times in life when a person is more vulnerable than during a divorce. The process can be consuming and the divorcee may not be the best company. Truly good friends, who stick with you and do not contribute to negative behavior, are precious gems to be cherished and coveted. A good friend or network of friends can be the difference in a parent’s ability to negotiate a productive and comfortable divorce for the child.
Children most often emulate a parent’s behavior in adulthood, good and bad. While divorce does not provide a good lesson, continual unhappiness and malcontent may be worse learning experiences. A child is something beautiful that comes from a union. Let that be the take-away for them. Don’t bother with beating yourself up over a divorce. It is not useful. Whether you choose to leave, or have been left, forgiving yourself for the reasons is necessary. Forgiving yourself and your spouse is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your child.
According to the article The Good Divorce by Christine Carter, Ph.D. from the Greater Good web magazine from the University of California, Berkley, research suggests that divorce is less damaging where: 1) “Consistent contact with both parents is important, unless you just can’t keep conflict low.” It is unconscionable for a parent to seek to persuade a child to feel hatred or shame for a parent. Consistent contact is productive where parents can maintain civility. 2) “Money matters: Many problems kids have after divorce, particularly academic ones, stem from economic hardship. Single parents are less likely to be able to pay for music lessons, high quality childcare, tutors, a safe neighborhood with good schools—you name it.” It is critical for both parents to work together to provide for the child after a divorce, and before bringing new family members into the situation. 3) “Good” divorces minimize the number of major transitions that kids need to make, because transitions usually bring stress. Generally speaking, the fewer household moves, the better.” Minimize disruption and transition. Children are generally terrified by divorce. Rapidly creating a safe and stable environment, in the care of each parent, is a great way to ease the fear and begin the healing process. 4) “Finally, when parents take care of themselves during a divorce, kids do better. “Stress impairs the quality of a parent’s childrearing skills,”. This premise effectively explains the reason for divorcing in the first place. Happy parents, focused on the happiness and health of their children, are more likely to be successful parents.
TABOOS AND STEROTYPES
The traditional family, with a mom, a dad, and 2.5 children, is no longer the typical family model. According to a Census study released September 15, 2004, we’re down to 1.86 children per household. The number of children is not the only thing changing, where they came from and who they belong to, are additional considerations. Single parents, and unmarried, coupled parents add an entirely new set of challenges to the representative family in the U.S.. Socioeconomics heavily impact a parent’s ability to raise a healthy child, particularly in the current economic climate. Single parenthood compounds the challenge. How can we expect parents to remain committed to a child after a break-up if they were not willing to commit to a marriage in the first place?
According to Barbara Kingsolver in her Stone Soup article in The River Reader,
“some of the reasons for these family reconstructions are: the ideal of marriage as a romantic partnership rather than a pragmatic one; a shift in women’s expectations, from servility to self-respect and independence; and longevity. Add to all this, our growing sense of entitlement to happiness and safety from abuse. Most would agree these are good things. Yet their result – a culture in which serial monogamy and the consequent reshaping of families are the norm – gets diagnosed as “failing”.” (458) A failed marriage is labeled as The “harbinger of cultural ruin.” (Trimmer 454) The “broken family” is certainly no “oddity”, but if you are a member of one, “it's probably been suggested to you in a hundred ways that yours isn't exactly a real family, but an impostor family, a harbinger of cultural ruin, a slapdash substitute--something like counterfeit money.” (Trimmer 454) It’s a moral and political argument that should have ended long ago. A child should never feel they are a product of a failure, rather loved unconditionally by collective parents. A parent’s job is to ensure their children possess this sense of love and connectedness, and when this does not manifest naturally, for good or bad reasons, professional help should be enlisted.
STONE SOUP
Having 2 moms and 2 dads likely brings more brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. It is a fortunate child who has so many to love and to love them. No matter the number of loved ones, the needs of the child must come first, and all possible resources must be utilized to facilitate their happiness. A village of family, friends, school administrators/counselors, neighbors, and community resources are a recipe for successful parenting. “ Humpty-Dumpty-wise” (Trimmer 458) may be the condition in which a family lands, but the pieces can form a new “whole”, and can be shared with other families. Divorce is messy and ugly, and the participants often feel out of control. The reconstruction of a family unit, with or without a new marriage, is totally in each parent’s control. The parent has the opportunity and an obligation to rebuild a stronger and more constructive family. Make a soup to nourish a family’s soul. “Any family is a big empty pot, save for what gets thrown in. Each stew turns out different. Generosity, a resolve to turn bad luck into good, and respect for variety--these things will nourish a nation of children. Name-calling and suspicion will not.” (Trimmer 462)
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